Dear Miss Advice,
November in Peterborough is depressing enough, but now my boyfriend says he’s feeling emotionally distant. Is it the weather, or should I be worried?
— Gloomy on George Street
Dear Gloomy,
November in Peterborough is when the city turns fifty shades of wet cardboard and everyone starts reconsidering their life choices.
As for your boyfriend’s emotional distance, don’t blame the weather. Men have been emotionally unavailable in every climate since the invention of trousers. Sunshine won’t fix him, and neither will a scented candle.
My advice? Buy yourself a nice bottle of wine, turn up the heat, and let him be distant. With any luck, he’ll drift far enough away to become someone else’s problem.
— Miss Advice
Dear Miss Advice,
My ex keeps showing up at the same places I go downtown. Last weekend I saw him twice on Hunter Street. Is he stalking me or is Peterborough just too small?
— Haunted on Hunter
Dear Haunted,
Darling, it’s Peterborough. You can change your hairstyle, your phone number, and your entire personality, but you cannot escape a man you once dated badly.
The downtown dating pool is less a pool than a puddle everyone has already stepped in. Eventually, you’ll share a patio, a mutual friend, or an awkward conversation near the cheese section at No Frills.
My advice? Smile politely and keep walking. Nothing hurts an ex more than discovering he’s become less interesting than the weather.
— Miss Advice
Dear Miss Advice,
I’ve been invited to a November wedding in Peterborough. The invitation says “formal attire,” but the ceremony is outdoors. Should I go?
— Freezing in Formalwear
Dear Freezing,
An outdoor wedding in Peterborough in November? How charming. Nothing celebrates eternal love quite like hypothermia and a cash bar.
Clearly, the happy couple believes their romance is powerful enough to overcome freezing rain, gale-force winds, and guests quietly praying for a cancellation.
Wear something warm, bring a flask, and position yourself near the exit. I’ve attended enough weddings to know that the weather is rarely the worst thing about them.
At least the marriage might last longer than your frostbite.
— Miss Advice
Dear Miss Advice,
I’ve been dating a man for three months, but every weekend he just wants to stay home and watch television. Is this what relationships become?
— Bored in Bridgenorth
Dear Bored,
Three months? Good heavens. Most men wait until the wedding before completely abandoning the pretence of being interesting.
November is particularly convenient for lazy lovers. They can blame the darkness, the cold, the price of gas, or the terrible inconvenience of putting on pants.
Suggest dinner, dancing, or a show at Market Hall. If he still prefers the couch, buy him a blanket and leave him there.
You wanted a boyfriend, dear, not a piece of upholstered furniture.
— Miss Advice