HorrorScopes: Nov 2027

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

November brings exciting opportunities, none of which will involve you. Your natural confidence continues to impress people who don’t know you very well. Financially, the stars suggest restraint, which is unfortunate because you’ve already ordered something expensive and completely unnecessary. A family gathering near month’s end will remind you why you prefer strangers. Lucky number: 404. Like your common sense, not found.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Your stubbornness reaches legendary proportions this month. Even when presented with overwhelming evidence that you’re wrong, you’ll simply speak louder. Romance looks promising, provided your partner continues to mistake your emotional unavailability for mysterious depth. November’s cold weather will give you another excuse to stay home, eat cheese and judge people on Facebook. Lucky colour: Beige. Like your personality, but warmer.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Your two personalities are having a disagreement, and neither is particularly pleasant. November brings communication problems, mostly because you insist on telling people exactly what you think. A friend may distance themselves after discovering you’ve been sharing their secrets as amusing anecdotes. Don’t worry. You’ve got plenty of other friends who haven’t caught on yet. Lucky day: Whenever your phone battery dies.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

The universe wants you to stop taking everything personally. Unfortunately, you believe the universe has specifically singled you out for criticism. An old resentment resurfaces this month, probably something someone said at Thanksgiving in 2017. Your emotional baggage has officially exceeded airline weight restrictions. Consider letting something go. Not everything requires a three-hour conversation and a handwritten apology. Lucky object: A tissue. Buy the family pack.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

November finds you basking in the warm glow of your own magnificence, blissfully unaware that everyone else has left the room. Your desperate need for attention could lead to an embarrassing social media incident involving too many selfies and an inspirational quote you stole from someone else. Career prospects improve when you discover that occasionally listening is considered a valuable workplace skill. Lucky number: 1. Naturally.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Everything is falling apart, and you’re absolutely delighted to have been right about it. Your obsessive attention to detail will serve you well this month, particularly when correcting restaurant menus, unsolicited grammar errors and your partner’s breathing technique. Someone may accuse you of being controlling. You’ll calmly explain why they’re wrong using a colour-coded spreadsheet. Lucky activity: Reorganizing a drawer nobody else uses.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

November presents several difficult decisions, including what to wear, what to eat and whether to continue a relationship that’s been dead since August. Your inability to make up your mind is exhausting everyone around you. The stars suggest taking decisive action, but naturally you’ll want to hear a few more opinions first. By the time you’ve made your choice, the opportunity will have expired. Lucky phrase: “Whatever you want.” Again.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

It’s your birthday season, Scorpio, and naturally you’ve decided that everyone should suffer a little. Your mysterious reputation is largely the result of refusing to answer simple questions. November offers a chance to forgive someone who wronged you years ago, but where’s the fun in that? Revenge remains your favourite hobby, followed closely by checking whether your ex has gained weight. Lucky colour: Black. Obviously.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Your adventurous spirit is calling, but your bank account has blocked its number. November encourages travel, exploration and poor decisions involving discounted airfare. Your brutal honesty will once again be mistaken for rudeness, primarily because that’s exactly what it is. A romantic opportunity appears late in the month, although your tendency to disappear when things get serious may shorten the experience considerably. Lucky destination: Anywhere nobody knows you.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You’ve spent the entire year working hard, planning carefully and quietly judging everyone who hasn’t. November brings the horrifying realization that people who put in half your effort are having twice as much fun. Your career obsession continues to impress your employer, who will reward you with additional responsibilities and absolutely no money. Consider taking a day off. The economy will survive without your supervision. Lucky number: Your credit score.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You’re not like other people, and you’ve made absolutely certain everyone knows it. November finds you passionately defending an obscure opinion nobody asked about. Your unconventional thinking could lead to a brilliant breakthrough or another heated argument with a cashier. A friend may suggest that you’re emotionally detached. Explain that emotions are merely outdated biological software and watch them walk away. Lucky accessory: Tinfoil. You know why.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

November will be an emotional roller coaster, although most of the drama will exist entirely in your imagination. Your tendency to romanticize obvious red flags could lead to another relationship with someone who describes themselves as “complicated.” Financially, avoid making purchases based on feelings, which unfortunately rules out most of your shopping habits. The stars encourage you to face reality. You’ll probably just take a nap instead. Lucky beverage: Wine. Don’t pretend you didn’t know.