October brings out your competitive side, which would be wonderful if you weren’t competing with people who don’t know there’s a contest. A minor disagreement will escalate into a full-scale diplomatic incident because you simply cannot let anyone else have the last word. Your love life heats up around Halloween, although there’s a good chance the person you’re attracted to is wearing a mask for reasons unrelated to the holiday. Lucky number: 911.
You’ve spent most of the year convincing yourself that everything is fine. October suggests otherwise. Financially, you’re somewhere between comfortable and selling a kidney, depending on how often you check your bank account. Someone close to you will offer constructive criticism. Naturally, you’ll respond by remembering something they did in 2017 and ruining Thanksgiving dinner. Your stubbornness is legendary. So is your inability to apologize.
Your two personalities are having a disagreement, and frankly, neither one is particularly likeable this month. You’ll make ambitious social plans, cancel half of them, then complain nobody invites you anywhere. Romance gets complicated when someone discovers that your definition of exclusivity apparently includes several exceptions. On the bright side, you’ll be absolutely fascinating at Halloween parties, provided nobody asks you to tell the truth.
October finds you emotionally overwhelmed by absolutely everything, including television commercials and the changing colour of leaves. Someone will forget to return your text, triggering an elaborate internal investigation into whether they secretly hate you. They don’t. They’re just busy. Your family may test your patience during Thanksgiving, especially when someone mentions politics after the third glass of wine. Consider crying in the garage this year. It’s quieter.
You’re feeling especially magnificent this month, despite considerable evidence to the contrary. Halloween offers another opportunity to dress extravagantly and demand attention from strangers who were perfectly happy before you arrived. At work, your natural leadership skills will be mistaken for arrogance, mostly because that’s what they are. Romance looks promising, provided you occasionally stop talking about yourself long enough to learn the other person’s name.
October will be an absolute nightmare because people continue to do things incorrectly, which is to say differently from you. You’ll spend Thanksgiving silently judging how someone loads the dishwasher, cuts vegetables or breathes. A romantic partner may suggest you loosen up. You’ll immediately ask them to define “loosen” and provide supporting examples. Somewhere deep inside you is a spontaneous, carefree individual. Unfortunately, you’ve organized them into a spreadsheet and denied them permission to leave.
Your desperate need to keep everyone happy will once again result in absolutely nobody being happy, including you. October brings a difficult decision involving love, money or whether to finally throw out those trousers from 1998. You’ll consult six friends, ignore their advice and do nothing. Halloween presents an exciting opportunity to meet someone new, although you’ll spend so long deciding what to wear that the party will be over before you arrive.
Happy birthday, you suspicious, sexually complicated little mystery. October gives you permission to embrace your darker instincts, although the rest of us would appreciate some restraint. An old flame may reappear, giving you the opportunity to demonstrate how completely you’ve moved on by stalking their social media for three consecutive evenings. Your intuition is strong, your grudges are stronger, and your ability to forgive remains somewhere between unlikely and medically impossible.
You’ve decided it’s time for another adventure, largely because staying home would require dealing with the consequences of your previous adventure. October offers travel opportunities, romantic excitement and several chances to say something wildly inappropriate at exactly the wrong moment. Your honesty continues to offend people, but you’ll insist they’re simply too sensitive. Remember, there’s a difference between being refreshingly candid and being an asshole. You frequently confuse the two.
While everyone else is enjoying autumn, you’re calculating heating costs, investment returns and the precise amount of money wasted on decorative gourds. Your career takes centre stage in October, mostly because you’ve forgotten how to enjoy anything that doesn’t generate income. Someone may invite you to a Halloween party. You will decline, citing productivity concerns. The stars recommend a little fun. You’ll probably request a written cost-benefit analysis first.
October inspires you to challenge conventional thinking, social norms and possibly the municipal parking regulations. Your friends admire your originality but are growing tired of hearing how society would function better if everyone adopted your latest brilliant theory. A romantic encounter could become interesting when you discover the other person also hates small talk, organized religion and most of their relatives. Unfortunately, they’re just as emotionally unavailable as you are. Congratulations. You’ve found yourself.
Reality continues to be your least favourite destination. October finds you drifting between romantic fantasies, creative ambitions and wondering whether your houseplants understand you better than your family. They probably do. Someone will take advantage of your generosity, and you’ll forgive them before they’ve finished robbing you. Halloween could bring an unexpected romantic encounter. Just remember that someone dressed as a vampire might actually be one. Emotionally speaking, of course.
The Poor Decision Pumpkin Martini
Because nothing says October quite like disguising alcoholism with seasonal spices.
Combine vodka, pumpkin liqueur, a splash of cream and enough cinnamon to convince yourself this counts as a vegetable. Shake vigorously, pour into a chilled glass and garnish with a tiny pumpkin you paid far too much for.
Teacher’s note: If you wake up beside someone dressed as Beetlejuice, don’t panic. You probably had a wonderful evening. Just don’t say their name three times.
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