March 21 – April 19
Deep breath, Aries: the universe isn’t “testing” you — it’s actually done with you. This week, someone points out a flaw you already knew you had, and you’ll act shocked, wounded, and somehow offended they noticed. Your need to win every argument will backfire when you realize you don’t even understand the point you’re arguing about. Financially, you’re blasting through money like you’re trying to create a personal recession.
Lucky colour: Singed patience.
April 20 – May 20
Routine is your religion, Taurus, and this week the gods of Comfort smite you. Someone suggests you “try something new,” and you’ll react like they handed you a live grenade. You’re stubborn enough to turn a small inconvenience into an epic, multi-day sulk that everyone around you will regret witnessing. You’ll also claim to be “focusing on your goals,” while mainly focusing on snacks and sitting.
Lucky colour: Beige panic.
May 21 – June 20
Chaos calls, and you answer like it’s your soulmate. You’ll juggle conversations, plans, lies, and half-formed ideas until the whole thing collapses like a Jenga tower kicked by a toddler. Someone will accuse you of being inconsistent, and you’ll respond with four different explanations none of which match. You keep promising you’ll “get organized,” which is adorable, because you absolutely will not.
Lucky colour: Whatever you said last.
June 21 – July 22
Prepare to take everything personally — even things that were compliments. Your emotional radar is set to “paranoid submarine,” pinging threats that don’t exist. When someone doesn’t react exactly the way you imagined, you’ll silently withdraw and build a full Greek tragedy in your head. You want people to check in on you, yet when they do, you’ll say you’re “fine” in a tone that could curdle milk.
Lucky colour: Weaponized nostalgia.
July 23 – August 22
It’s spotlight season, Leo — but unfortunately, the spotlight is in for repairs. This week you’ll try to dazzle, only to discover that not everyone wants to stand in your magnificent glow. Someone else gets attention, and you’ll spiral into a melodramatic mix of “I’m SO happy for them” and “How dare they exist.” You’ll attempt to fix this with selfies, which only raise questions about lighting choices and emotional stability.
Lucky colour: Overexposed gold.
August 23 – September 22
You spot mistakes with sniper precision — pity about the ones you personally make. This week, tiny imperfections will drive you to the brink, like that misaligned picture frame or the friend who breathes wrong. You’ll try to “help” someone by criticizing them in a tone that’s 70% concern, 30% superiority. Expect frustration when the universe refuses to follow your internal spreadsheet.
Lucky colour: Sterile resentment.
September 23 – October 22
Indecision is your brand, and business is booming. You’ll spend the week paralyzed by choices as small as picking a sandwich. Friends will ask what you want; you’ll respond with a gentle, infuriating “Whatever you think is best,” which is code for “I want something but I need you to guess.” Eventually, someone will choose wrong, and you’ll resent them quietly like a Victorian ghost.
Lucky colour: Soft, pleasant disappointment.
October 23 – November 21
Your aura of mystery is slipping — mainly because people are realizing it’s not mystery, it’s just avoidance. Someone asks how you feel, and you will respond with either sarcasm or a threat. You’ll try to maintain your brooding image, but end up revealing something embarrassingly normal. This week, jealousy flares over something you pretend not to care about.
Lucky colour: Unresolved tension.
November 22 – December 21
Freedom calls, but so do the consequences of your last spontaneous disaster. Someone tries to pin you down to a plan, and you recoil like they offered you a spreadsheet of your own failures. You’ll be brutally honest with someone who didn’t ask for it, then confused when they stop talking to you. Travel or adventure may happen, but mostly because you’re running away from responsibility again.
Lucky colour: Midlife crisis orange.
December 22 – January 19
You’ve been grinding so hard that you’ve forgotten what rest feels like. This week you’ll convince yourself you’re “falling behind,” even though you’re the only one competing in this imaginary Olympics. Someone suggests you lighten up, and you’ll treat it like a workplace harassment claim. You’re desperate for recognition but allergic to asking for it.
Lucky colour: Corporate gray dread.
January 20 – February 18
Your brain is on airplane mode. You’re convinced you’re operating on a higher level, but really you’re just forgetting basic tasks and calling it “eccentricity.” People will misunderstand you — mostly because you enjoy being cryptic more than being functional. You’ll share a bold opinion this week that no one asked for, then wonder why people look exhausted.
Lucky colour: Ironic detachment blue.
February 19 – March 20
You drift through the week like a poet lost in a grocery store. Reality keeps tapping you on the shoulder — bills, deadlines, messages you forgot to answer — and you keep turning away like it’s an annoying ex. Expect an emotional moment triggered by something minor, like a commercial or a slightly stale muffin. You’ll fantasize about a better life, then do absolutely nothing to make it happen.
Lucky colour: Dreamy avoidance.
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