Dear Miss Advice

Dear Miss Advice,
I matched with a man on a dating app who says he’s “very involved in the Peterborough arts scene.” Is that a red flag?
— Cautiously Cultured in East City

Dear Cautiously,
Not a red flag, exactly. More of a hand-painted banner on reclaimed wood. “Very involved in the arts scene” in Peterborough can mean anything from directing avant-garde puppet operas to once attending a First Friday and refusing to stop talking about it. Proceed carefully. Ask follow-up questions. Does he create art, support art, or just linger near charcuterie while saying things like “the energy in this room is wild”? If he owns three scarves and uses the phrase “holding space,” keep one foot near the exit.

Dear Miss Advice,
My neighbour keeps reporting everyone to bylaw, but his own yard looks like a scrapyard with ambitions. What should I do?
— Watched in the West End

Dear Watched,
Classic Peterborough suburban diplomacy: weaponized righteousness from a lawn chair beside a broken washing machine. You have two choices. One, ignore him and let him patrol the neighbourhood like the sheriff of rusted bicycles. Two, become aggressively pleasant. Wave. Smile. Ask how he’s doing. Nothing unsettles a petty tyrant more than warmth they can’t file a complaint about. And remember: in every Peterborough neighbourhood, there is at least one person who believes bylaw is a personality.

Dear Miss Advice,
My boyfriend says the traffic downtown is “basically Toronto now.” Should I be concerned about his grip on reality?
— Delayed at the Lights

Dear Delayed,
Yes, but only mildly. Peterborough people love to speak of local inconvenience as though they’ve survived the fall of Rome. A three-minute wait at George and Simcoe becomes a tale of urban collapse. Someone misses one green light and suddenly we’re a “gridlocked nightmare.” This is not a man in danger. This is a man who has never had to merge onto the Gardiner at 5 p.m Nod sympathetically. Then tell him to sit quietly until the green light appears.

Dear Miss Advice,
I keep seeing the same people at every patio, gallery opening, fundraiser, and live music show. Am I living in a simulation?
— Socially Recycled

Dear Recycled,
No, dear. You’re living in Peterborough. This city runs on a beautifully efficient loop of the same 200 people circulating between civic concern, craft beer, local theatre, and knowing each other’s exes. It’s less a simulation than a repertory company with liquor service. The trick is not to resist it. Accept that by your third event of the week, you will be having the same conversation with the same person in a different hat. Try to enjoy the continuity. Or at least keep your stories consistent.

Dear Miss Advice,
I’m thinking of reinventing myself this spring. New look, new attitude, maybe a soft launch as someone who hikes. Is Peterborough the right place for this?
— Emerging Near Little Lake

Dear Emerging,
Peterborough is an excellent place for reinvention because everyone is too busy reinventing themselves to question yours. This town was built on second acts. Musicians become councillors. Activists become realtors. Men named Gary become acoustic solo artists. You can absolutely become a hiking person, a pottery person, or a woman who only drinks natural wine and says “I’m protecting my peace.” Just be warned: in Peterborough, every reinvention eventually runs into someone who remembers you from high school, karaoke night, or that unfortunate phase with the linen pants. Transform, by all means. But do it knowing eyewitnesses remain.